My body’s starting to break down. I have gotten fair amount of sleep the past few days after my all-nighter. However I haven’t eaten a meal since Tuesday. Had almonds and jerky and dried pineapple. Gas station stuff. I don’t know why. I’m not too busy to get something. My fridge is empty. Still haven’t went grocery shopping. Starting to feel the effect. My mind is still wrapped in barbed wire. Told my uncle I’m not graduating. First person I’ve told. He mentioned other things I could do like work and go […]

Would you rather be delusional but Happy? Or sane, logical, and a realist, but Depressed AF?

Most ppl who are happy are delusional- no reason for being so overly optimistic when all the data points otherwise. BUT, they are happy.

I waste a lot of time and energy pondering whether I should kill myself. I wouldn’t say it’s that I want to, exactly. I’m hugely afraid of death. And my subconscious will to survive, though weaker than average, is still clearly present.

But it strikes me that in my current life suffering predominates. Not in an extreme sense. I have chronic back & stomach issues, but it’s rarely agonizing. Mostly just uncomfortable and irritating. But it’s bad, and it has the potential to get much worse. And is unlikely to get much better. So it doesn’t seem worth enduring, for its own sake. In other words, it would […]

Got way too scared so didn’t do it, and i feel terrible now. I feel like i should have done it already a decade ago, at least i had a partner then, but i also felt weird meeting with a guy online.
Anyway i know i have to do it really soon, I don’t know how to stop being so afraid of changes or the unknown. I don’t want to live in this world.

Just realised that I’m now older than the project manager at my first job who fired me a decade ago and making less than I was back then, inflation adjusted.

said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

I said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

then he said; “Now let me get this straight, you put the lime in the coconut you drank them both up”

The sicker I get, the more I sing, I’m singing half the time I open my mouth not working. I’m not okay.

20 years of working my butt off, and this is the thanks I get, 66% of these jerks would rather have red hats than me. My current work won’t exist here if his plan goes […]

A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think […]

I have decided to make my exit on New Year’s Eve.  This message is barely for the community, but it’s mostly for me.  I needed to finally type it out.  I will be here somewhat for the next two months, but this is the first and last place I will check in with, once the decision was made.

As the title implies, this is a question I have been grappling with since I could form a coherent thought. The current election results of the USA seems to reinforce this idea to me, do we do anything for this planet that is beneficial beyond trying to dampen the mistakes we have already made to the environment?  I hate our species because our progress is damnation for everything else and I know any child I could have would just be contributing to the problem…

So i still have a couple of hours before i end it, and I’m actually so afraid of dying alone, and what the hell will happen after death? I know i have to force myself to go through with this, at least i know it will be an almost peaceful way to go. Fuck, i wish someone would be by my side.

A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality.  Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am.  An aviation expert made a very good point that […]

Wouldn’t you like for this life, this world to be much more exciting? Why don’t people do anything for this? What would it take?

I know this site is anonymous and that’s why everyone’s on it. But…wouldn’t it be curious what we all look like? Like I imagine we all pass each other on the streets, never realizing this person or that person has depression, or is suicidal.

OR on the flip side, see a stranger IRL and automatically know their story, their true self, and not the face they show to the world.

Why is writing a letter so tough??
I don’t know what to tell my family. I hate to do this to them, but I don’t see any hope for my life. I don’t want to die alone, but its either this, or feeling like this every day. I don’t even remember my life without anxiety and depression, it feels like this became my personality now.
I hope I won’t fail tomorrow.

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

Okay, Tuesday is going to be stressful, potentially. That’s my initial lead into the day, is that everything is always a maybe.  We prep for the worst, then hope it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it doesn’t!

The worst would be me imploding at work. I don’t know if I could come back from that, as generous as the people around me are. I don’t want to find out because the shame would be more agony than whatever they did to me.

I’m on front desk duty this week, the frontline defense of our department. I deescalate and present bad news as not so bad on a regular day, […]

Yeah, specifically when a lot of the people around you are doing the wrong things and all that, those in positions of authority and those apparently older than you, those who have more “know how” or whatever the heck, it just really sucks a bunch of the time to come across such circumstances in which people both don’t know what they are doing and refuse to admit that, kind of leading others astray with them. I really hate it. When things like taking into consideration what you eat alongside exercise aren’t the norm and people don’t necessarily pay too much attention to what they put […]

One of the most prominent undercurrents in my neurosis is fear of cruelty. Within myself. Within our species. Within the whole natural world.

The most recent manifestation: a morbid fascination with cannibalism. Turns out, remarkably common in pre-modern times. Especially in tropical zones, and particularly within island cultures.

I was aware of “emergency cannibalism”, in times of extreme famine. Horrific, but understandable, given severe enough hunger pains and desperation to survive. You’ll find it throughout history and across the world, from medieval England to 19th century China and Ukraine during the Holodomor. When people are pushed into terrible enough circumstances, the moral inhibitions of a proportion of […]

another of my attempts at poetry, we’ll see

The woman who lived was a singular soul

neither young or old, eternal and ephemeral at the same time

She walks in shadows I can no longer reach

She languishes in lonely and desolate places

Yet they leave no mark on her

She lives, but for how long?

The woman who lived, many roles has played, many ways I’ve seen.

She is not ordinary.

I loved her once, and then I learned to appreciate her another way, a familial love.

We only have the people that will show up. Not the people we want to show up, the people who actually do.

The woman who lived stands in […]