I have ruined everything. All I want is to be with my wife. To kiss her, hug her, see her, talk to her. But because of my selfishness, shes saying she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Nothing Im saying changes her mind. These days burn my spirit like dripping acid. All I do is cry, and wish for a reality that I can no longer have. A reality I didnt appreciate enough while I had it. And so now I have Hell. I have created a complete nightmare.

My spirit cant handle or accept this reality. Its nothing but pain, grief, sorrow. She is […]

I lament that I am single and lonely, unable to find the right guy for me (back when I was looking, back when I wasn’t disabled).

All my peers from university are doing real well financially and relationship-wise. So obviously I feel I’m behind them in this “game of life.” Which I am.

But then I come across these posts on fb/online where ppl post about their relationships, asking questions, asking advice etc – and it might be due to “availability bias” as ppl in good functioning relationships don’t post stuff online but still- I see TONS off ppl in FUCKED up relationships […]

So, last time I posted on here I was 28 (6 years ago).

I was so depressed and ready to give everything up. Slowly things got better. I found a new love, made lots of friends and made a great community.

I did think and try to end things back then but I’m glad I didn’t.

I’m the boss now – Principal at a school. I have to keep everyone in check. It’s a stressful job but I enjoy it.

Leave me a comment if you would like to get in touch – chat about anything 🙂

They kinda haven’t been for a while, but it’s become more apparent to me lately. All they are is just anticipation for the next work week. I can go to the card shop all day, go to the movies, play video games, etc. , but it just doesn’t feel like anything when I know I’m just going to go back to a job I hate in the next few days. If anyone has seen smiling friends before, it’s like that Desmond speech from the pilot:

“That’s exactly it. Are the best parts of life really just finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy […]

A little under two months. That’s how long I’ve got left. I say that but I know I’ll just take a full time job with them and keep doing what I’m doing. And I’ll do it for years.

Guess my mentor said fuck me. He talked about a connection to a company that is hiring. A company that rejected me. That’d be big to have an in like that. But he never got back to me. After weeks of pestering him and agreeing when to follow up, silence. I tired one last time today asking for the […]

How much longer?

I don’t know

Its strange how we can get along and eat Chinese food for dinner together, and make jokes and have a good time. How she can surprise me with breakfast quesadillas in bed on Easter, and we can even hug. Its strange how she can act the same as its always been, as if nothing is wrong, and yet somehow, through her perspective, we cant stay together. Clearly, its still  possible for us. But she still wants me gone the day after tomorrow. It makes no sense to me.

Here’s the data from Google showing that 80% of life is due to “luck” (where you’re born, who you’re born to, etc) and that only 20% is due to hard work and effort, despite how mainstream society just LOVES to drill it into our heads that it’s ALL about hard work. If you’re born in the slums of India or Africa, good luck on getting out of poverty and having a good life. Most Americans are born middle class- born into decent families with middle class income, meaning you ARE privileged.

The hardest working ppl are the POOREST ppl, NOT the rich. […]

I know you’ll never actually read this, but I also know that at this time, you’re just trying to find as much inner peace as possible. Im not trying to influence that with my own inner turmoil, it would be selfish to place that upon you.

Despite everything, I still love you very, very much. I dont want to be moving out on Tuesday. I dont want us to seperate. But, I cant force you to love me back, and if your feelings have changed then there’s nothing I can do but try to learn to accept that. I wish it wasn’t like this. It would […]

Everywhere you search for online, and social media, from books, videos, from psychologists, from therapists, from Rich people, etc. – They ALL tell us luck is a myth, that everyone has both good and bad luck, that it’s all about “mentality,” and “mindset,” and if “you just worked harder…” you’ll get there. that it’s all about personal responsibility etc etc

It’s all bullshit. You could be the smartest and hardworking person you know, and have the best personality (though most ppl have shit personalities and refuse to admit they’re shitty)- you can and will still fail.

If you’re born in many parts of […]

Hell can always get worse. A lot worse. Apparently people on the team have been slacking. Probably me included. Now two wonderful not pains in the ass regional managers have decided to station themselves at our plant for the foreseeable future. Guys who will just wander around the fucking plant ready to point out every single fucking thing you are doing wrong and lecture you about it. Maybe even get you fired, god willing. Now everyone is on edge and insistent in doing things the “right” way. That includes all the safety bullshit most of the senior […]

All the things that I’ve ever wanted, dreamed of, somehow they’re all just crushed & destroyed by reality. All the doors are closing. It all narrowed down to one inevitable conclusion: I should stop existing in this shitty existence. I wish it could be the other way around. But, reality is cruel. It’s depressing.

I have so much to do. I’ve got a whole project to do by tomorrow, a tournament this Saturday to study for, solo and ensemble on Tuesday to practice for, homework, chores, animal care, etc. I have so much to do and I’m so tired and feel like I can’t even get up anymore.

Soon almost 5 years ago, when i was 16, I “ran away” from a youth and child psych ward. I wasnt even there because of an placement order or something like that. Although something like that threatened to happen back then but it didnt. I was in such psych wards constantly. Sometimes the Police escorted me, sometimes people i used to meet and do drugs with, sometimes my progenitor.
I didnt like being there and when having a 15 minutes’ leave to smoke a cigarette i just decided to not come back stay longer then im allowed to talk to people about my age, also […]

That would be me.

The fact that I was born to TWO shitty parents who never gave a shit about me and abused me physically and verbally my whole childhood AND adult life.

The fact that I grew up in extreme poverty as a child (think no money fir heat, school supplies, socks, etc).

The fact that some guy didn’t feel like stopping at the red light and ran me over and I’m now fucking disabled.

The Universe said “Nah, that’s not enough torment. Why don’t we fuck her over MORE? with EVERY DAY little things as well?

So yesterday, I had a package containing […]

How TF are we supposed to keep track of what is “ok” to say or not?

Most of the depression/trauma/suicide online groups say you MUST state: “Trigger Warning.” Well, this group I saw today says you will be BANNED if you write “Trigger Warning” on your posts. So which is it? How are you going to remember every group’s rules?

There’s another group called “Relationship Issues, Venting, Trauma, and Healing, Straight Talk!” but we are NOT allowed to use the N word- no not that N word, this N word- “Narcissist.” In the rules- Using that word will get you […]

Single digit now. Got three interviews this past week and my mentors are finally getting back to me about job leads. You’d think that that would mean things are looking up. That I might actually make it out before 6 months are up. It’s just a ruse. Something to get my hopes up just to have it pull out from under me like always. These interviews and leads will lead no where. Like they always do. I’m here forever. My own personal hell.

Had my psychiatry appointment today. It was as pointless as I expected it […]

Sigh. I’m just tired of it all. Life is a rigged game and we are all losing.

It’s like having your legs tied, or cut off, or carrying a heavy 100 lb bag, and you’re expected to “win” this race where other ppl are on this racetrack with ferrari’s. Or even bicycles (middle class). Even a bicycle is better than being put on this racetrack with NO shoes- I LITERALLY grew up not having a pair of sneakers that fit or didn’t have holes in it.

Like HOW are we suppose to “win” or get to the end of the racetrack when […]

Pretty much EVERY article and EVERY psychologist out there says “there’s no such thing as luck” but I find that to be bullshit.

Some ppl DO have more bad luck than others, and some ppl ARE very lucky. And then there’s some ppl like me who are exceedingly unlucky. I know of one other person IRL who has almost as bad luck as I do. Although I guess after 50 years, his luck has finally turned (or at least it’s become more 40/60 rather than 20/80 like it was).

What about all the starving children in Africa? Or the kids who […]

I’m gay and 53. Right now I want to be neither, and it seems like not being alive is the solution.

Honestly I’m exhausted. It’s been a long road, and always a struggle of some kind. Now that I’m middle-aged, I just don’t want this. In the gay community I feel invisible, and this is after being gay separated me from my family and created friction at work. Did I mention I just want to not be gay or 53? I guess being dead is the next best thing.

My family was, to be blunt, a shit show. Dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and mom was […]